Dear Single Friends of the Past, I’m Sorry For Everything I Said
Dear Single Friends of the Past,
I’m sorry for everything I said.
Okay, not everything, but a lot of things.
Most of you probably couldn’t care less about this apology as the majority of you are in long-term relationships now. But I still feel like it is my duty, as a friend, to give it.
Now that I’ve been single for about a year in my late twenties, I have become aware of all the cliches and meaningless platitudes that people in relationships say to single people. And I know I myself am guilty of having said a lot of them to you, and for that I am sorry. It wasn’t something I ever did intentionally; I didn’t realize it was even happening. Last time I was single for an extended period of time, I was in college and recently out of college. I went on bad dates, awkward dates, dates that I thought were just hanging out with a friend because I was too thick-headed to realize the guy had feelings for me. I dabbled in the early versions of online dating. But despite my generally bad experiences in the dating world, I was still young. People think there’s “still time” when you are in your early 20s. (In reality there is technically always “still time,” but these are weird social norms we are talking about). But as you pass that threshold of mid-20s, and most of your friends start entering long term relationships and even marriages, people start looking at you differently, especially if you are someone who wants a relationship. They start giving you the Chrissy Teigen awkward face because they want to be supportive, but not offensive, and they’re secretly thinking, “Thank god this isn’t happening to me.”
In between their fake smiles and fake upbeat attitude, they say a lot of the same things. Over and over, the same things…many of the same things I myself said to you. With this in mind, I’ve decided to list the five things I am most tired of hearing, and thus the five things I am most sorry for ever saying to you.
1. “Just go on dates for the free drinks!”
Most of the things I’m sorry for saying can apply to both single men and women, but this one admittedly is usually only said between two women. I know I have said this to more than one person in the past, and I truly could not be sorrier. This is the dumbest piece of advice to give someone. “Suffer through (most likely) boring conversation with someone you (probably) don’t even care about for a drink that costs maybe $10 at most, that you probably would have enjoyed more if you were having it on the couch alone at home!”
I know there are actually women out there who actually do approach dating this way, with the “Meh, it’s a free drink/dinner” attitude. And I guess maybe for some people that attitude does fine for them, but for people like me who can tell very quickly if someone’s conversational skills are strong enough to keep my interest, this mentality gets me nowhere. In all honesty, I find the majority of people kind of boring, which is unfortunate because I’ve been told I can talk to just about anyone. (Specifically, a close male friend once told me I made a great wingwoman because, “You can talk to just about anyone, and when you talk me up they will believe you because you’re a girl.”) But the fact is, unless I am pretty certain that we will at the very least have an interesting conversation, no number of “free drinks” are worth me spending time on a date when I could be doing other things (even if those “other things” are relaxing at home by myself…which I often love doing).
For what it’s worth, I feel genuinely sorry for men that this advice is given out so freely and often. I think the whole “men paying for dates” thing is one of the last vestiges of a male-dominated culture that for the most part women have been trying to shed for a long time, but we insist on holding on to this one piece for whatever reason (because it benefits us, I guess).
Anyway, this advice is so dumb, and I hate myself for ever having given it.
2. “Just keep trying!”
Yeah, no shit. I know that we as a society have started to use the word “literally” far too often, but “Just keep trying” is LITERALLY the only way anything that you want to happen but isn’t currently happening EVER GETS DONE. Believe it or not, WE KNOW WE HAVE TO KEEP TRYING. Hence why we continue plug away on these horrible apps, or continue going on dates we are on the fence about. It may not seem like it based on how much we complain, but we are trying.
This is one of those things that people say when they just have nothing else to say, but I know I have said it and I am sorry for it.
That being said, I think the one caveat to this is telling someone who genuinely wants to be in a relationship but isn’t even trying in the slightest that they have to START trying. If you really want even a chance at finding someone, you have to either start making an effort “IRL” or at least trying the apps. You can’t do absolutely nothing and hope something just falls into your lap. I have told friends they have to begin trying, and I am not sorry for that. However, if you have a friend that is making any effort at all, even if it seems like the most minimal effort imaginable to you as an outsider, please do not say this to them.
3. “It will happen eventually!” / “It will happen when you least expect it”
This is entirely unfounded positivity. Sure, it MIGHT happen eventually. You know what else MIGHT happen? Nothing. It actually might never happen. Really, it truly might not. I know this is hard for any of us to wrap our minds around because we see our friends as beautiful creatures with many positive qualities, deserving of all the happiness life has to offer, but guess what? Things don’t always work out the way they should or the way people deserve.
Telling someone anything “will” happen as though it is a definite, when you actually have no idea what “will” happen is straight-up bullshit. And it’s something I used to do to my friends ALL THE TIME. I wrote at the end of my post about the website POF and what it’s like to have strong opinions while trying to date about reasons I have doubts about whether or not I will be in a long-term relationship again, so I won’t go into them in detail again here, but suffice it to say, people who have been single for any length of time have eventually had to confront the fact that it might just never happen. It doesn’t mean they don’t hope it happens, or aren’t trying to make it happen, but it really might not. While we don’t want to believe this could possibly be true of someone we love and care about, it absolutely could. And pretending you know for a fact what the future holds makes you come across as unrealistic, and I’m sorry for ever having done that.
It’s also worth noting that the whole “It will happen when you least expect it” thing is A REAL LAUGH. Oh, it will happen when I least expect it, eh? Interesting, because every day I feel like I could not possibly expect it any less. And then the following day I wake up and, whaddya know, I EXPECT IT EVEN LESS. There’s no such thing as a rock bottom when it comes to these types of expectations, just a gradual chipping away of any semblance of hope you had left. I know that sounds incredibly dark, I’m mostly being tongue in cheek, but there is a kernel of truth there. “It will happen when you least expect it” is just untrue. Things just happen at totally random times, without any rhyme or reason.
4. “You’re too picky!”
Oh god, this one. No no no no no no noooooooope nope nope NO. Why do we so consistently, in different words, try to tell our friends to lower their standards? The majority of time we aren’t actually being overly picky, most people just truly suck. And of the ones that don’t suck, there’s plenty of dates that are friendly and nice and decent conversation, but you just feel no spark. That isn’t something within any of our control.
Now, I understand that often times single people will give silly reasons for not wanting a second (or even a first) date. For example, things I have said to friends include, “We went to see a movie and he talked during the previews,” “We went to a Mexican restaurant and he didn’t eat the chips and salsa” and, “He said he doesn’t really like trying new restaurants.” While I completely stand by those decisions, those are often not REALLY the reasons (okay, I really didn’t go on a first date with someone because they said they didn’t like to try new restaurants, but the other two were not real reasons). They’re usually just funny things we observed about people that are good for a laugh, they’re not actually why we aren’t going on future dates with that person.
Because when you get down to it, here’s the thing about falling in love — when you find someone you have a true spark with, they still do all the dumb shit that you already know gets on your nerves, plus a million other annoying things that you didn’t even know bothered you until they do it. The men I’ve had relationships and even flings with in the past have been FULL OF FLAWS. More annoying habits than I can even count. And I know I do plenty of annoying things, too. But when you are really falling for someone, those things don’t matter to you for whatever reason. So it’s usually not that people are “being too picky,” it’s just that they aren’t feeling any kind of spark, and that kind of thing can’t be forced.
Obviously this one comes with a ton of caveats. For one thing, people who really do have a completely unattainable picture in their mind (above certain salary, work in certain industry, within very specific height/weight requirements, live in this type of house, willing to do XYZ for someone they are dating, certain family background, etc.) do occasionally need to be taken down a peg by their friends. But that isn’t the way the average person is behaving.
Another major caveat to this one is people who are too picky about looks. I know that we have to be physically attracted to the person we are dating, but there are some people who take their preferences about looks to the extreme. I may not be the best person to speak about this because I truly do consider myself far less superficial about looks than the average woman (that’s not to say I’m not superficial at all, we all are to an extent, I’m just less so than the average woman). But I have noticed that when we meet people IRL we are willing to accept a lot more shortcomings in the looks department if we feel an attraction to their personality. Unfortunately, with apps being the primary way our generation seems to date, a lot of people miss a lot of these chances because they are only swiping on the “hottest” people. I really try to make an effort to be open minded about looks on apps if their profile is decent. Obviously if there is absolutely zero chance I could EVER be attracted to someone, I won’t waste their time, but I really try to operate under a “Do I find this person completely hideous?” standard while swiping (again, IF they have a good profile, which very few people even do). If I think there is a chance that maybe I will meet them and like them enough to be attracted to them, I’ll try to give it a shot. I think this may be where I differ from some people, so again I admittedly may not be the best person to discuss this topic. It’s also worth noting that I know I leave some to be desired in the area of looks, so I think subconsciously I hope that by giving people a chance I will earn good karma and people will do the same for me. But regardless of the conscious or subconscious reasons behind it, I will ALWAYS encourage friends to be less picky about people’s looks because it’s hard enough to find great personalities out there without imposing unattainable standards of looks on top of that. I once had to talk a friend down from feeling like she should stop dating someone within the first few weeks of them seeing each other because she felt she was too attractive for him, and now they’re married! So, I really believe in this aspect of discouraging pickiness.
But, caveats aside, for the most part we throw the “You’re too picky” sentiment around far too often. We should never encourage friends to lower their (non-looks based) standards. We should hope the world will rise to meet them! (but it probably won’t)
5. “I can’t believe YOU of all people are still single!”
This one takes so many forms. “But you’re so great!” “But you have so much to offer!” “Wow, if even you’re single, some people just have no hope!” “It makes no sense!”
This is possibly the worst of all because it’s meant with the most positive intentions. When we say this, we mean to tell our friends that they are so great in so many ways. But the way it comes across is a reminder of everything the single person already knows. Oh, it’s a surprise that the world at large can’t recognize how amazing I am? Guess what?! I AGREE! The majority of the time, the single person knows how awesome they are, and they are continually frustrated that no one else seems to notice it. I know I’ve said this to friends before, and I really am sorry for it, because it really just serves as a reminder of how messed up the dating world is, and how many people we see happy in relationships that are arguably less awesome than us, and it can at times even make us question whether we are REALLY that great if only the people closest to us seem to think so.
So that’s it, single friends of the past.
I’m really sorry for ever saying any of these things to you (and I probably did so multiple times). For those of you currently in relationships, which is about 98% of you, if I ever annoyed you with these stupid comments, you can take comfort in knowing that karma has reared its ugly head. For those of you who are still single, you can always reach out to me to vent when people in your life are saying this stuff to you!
In summary, I hope you will forgive me.
Love,
Sarah
PS: There is one thing I will never stop saying to any of you, single or not.
At times, we can all begin to doubt ourselves and our self-worth, whether we are in a relationship or not (though I think it happens far more often to single people). We can start to feel like maybe we aren’t that great (if you’re single this usually manifests itself as thoughts along the lines of “no one will ever want to be with me,” and if you are in a relationship it usually is “why does this person even want to be with me?”) I know this sounds like a contradiction to my earlier assertion that we all know how awesome we are, but in what I consider to be one of my most under-appreciated blog posts, I recently wrote about how confidence can in and of itself be a contradiction. And, from time to time, no matter how confident we are overall, life can sometimes make us doubt ourselves. I am very selective about who I will talk to or spend time with on a regular basis, so if I deem you worthy of friendship, it’s already a sign you are pretty awesome! So, in your moments of doubt, I will never stop telling you how amazing you are…I just promise to stop connecting that sentiment to shock over the fact that you’re still single.
